Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Day 12- Breaking up with a Friend

Breakups. We have all gone through them. And they always suck-- no matter what side of them you are on.
But how many of you have ever broken up with a friend?
I actually blew my friends mind a few months ago suggesting this very idea. She was having a hard time with a friend that was just, frankly, a shitty friend. I said "Why don't you just break up??" She didn't even know that was a thing. But let me tell you, it is.
As I have gotten older, my patience for toxic/needy friends has slimmed down to basically nothing. I am a busy lady. I barely have time for my husband. I am not going to waste my time on friends that suck the life out of me. And I shouldn't have to! The point of a friendship is to help make life suck less. My best friend makes my life awesome. She always makes me laugh. I can be me 100% with her. We can go months without talking and when we do, it is like no time has passed. We have both been there for each other through the worst times of our lives. I know I can trust her with my life. And I honestly love being there for her. Being her friend has never felt like a job. And I have never felt like she was a needy girlfriend. That, to me, is the true mark of a keeper friendship.
On the other hand, I have had friendships that were completely opposite. I have had friends that drained the life out of me with their constant drama. I have had friends that spilled my dark secrets. I have had friends that got weird and jealous about other friends. I have had friends that were horrible, sloppy embarrassing drunks. I have had friends that competed with my man for love and attention. I have had friends that were never there to hear my problems, but always expected me to be there for theirs.
At some point I stopped for a second and asked myself why. What was the point of these people being in my life. At some point, can you even call them a friend anymore? If a friend doesn't contribute in a largely positive way to your life-- YOU DONT NEED THEM!! It doesn't matter if you have known them since you were little. Or if they USED to be the best friend ever. Or if they are married to your brother. You have complete control over your life-- and your friends.
I have learned as I have grown up that quality over quantity is what I value in my friendships. I would rather have 3 close friends than 100 shitty ones. Don't be afraid to break up with the shitty ones. Or even to distance yourself from the subpar ones. Your life load will get much lighter.

18 comments:

  1. ABSOLUTELY, CHERRY. Breaking up with a friend is quite possibly one of the most challenging things I've had to learn. I had to prioritize all the aspects of my life, if I wanted to be happy. Reducing the things and people in my life that didn't add value to it really helped. Not fussing with the drama has freed up time and energy to spend with those who enjoy my company. Being friends shouldn't be complicated, you should naturally want to spend time with them (when you can), and naturally feel compelled to help them be the best person they can be (be considerate and supportive). <3

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  2. A to the Men. I have a friend, acquaintance, whatever that I truly tried to be patient with. But omg did she suck the life out of me. I just couldn't do it anymore. I don't dislike her in any way but her constant questions and micro managing ways were just too much. I am not Google, and frankly I just don't care about anything as much as you do hun. I never broke up, but just let her drift further and further away.

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    1. Yes-- sometimes letting things run their course is the best!

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  3. I have gone through 2 major friend breakups in my life.. They are hard.. Especially when it seems like the break up with one friend has a domino effect on your whole social group.. But both times I have come away stronger and happier.. So worth the difficulty..

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  4. Nice post Cherry! I saw your Real talk video a minute ago as well and I wanted to share what helps me in those kid of times.. It's to do something out of my character that I find fun but "not really me", if you know what I mean. To challenge what I think I am and what I think I am or am not capable of doing. They say you can actually develop your dominat brain side even more by practicing the other one, so doing by doing something you are not really great at can help as well I am sure. :) You are as strong as your weakest link so sometimes that weak link need some time and love too to grow as well. Love and all best for 2016!

    - IVA http://cosyhippie.blogspot.com/

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  5. It's crazy, I just recently broke up with a friend. Many of them actually, and as sad as it is, it's liberating. Just last year (2015) I decided I was going to stop letting people drain me. I have so many things I need to worry about in my life, and things I am working on, and certain people were just keeping me down. Thanks for your blogs! You're pretty damn awesome!

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  6. i had to break up with a friend....i mean i had to. and then she wanted to know why. How do you tell someone that the friendship is just toxic? She wanted specific reasons only to blow up at me, name call, attempt to make me feel guilty etc....once in a while she sends me pictures of our dogs, and yes i feel bad. But i cannot tell a person i don't want to be friends with them because they kind of suck. that would be mean. I'm glad i'm not the only person this happened to. :)

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    1. I think her reaction is all of the explanation she needed! I find that telling them you just feel that you have grown apart is a more gentle approach then flat out saying you just kind of think they suck. Even though they probably do. :)

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  7. I know this is totally off topic but how would you deal with breakups before marriage? I'm literally having the hardest time right now and feeling frustrated that I don't feel like I have that support system from friends.

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    1. Not totally sure what you mean! You broke up with a friend before your wedding? Or your man before your wedding??

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  8. Dearest Cherry (Cherokee),

    Thank you so much for this post! It really made me feel ‘normal’! I have had issues with a couple of friends the past few months and started to feel like I am the bitch and the one that is just too sensitive. The one is totally toxic; she is constantly belittling everyone around her whilst praising her own tail! To a point where she went to a boy that is in primary school with her daughter and demanded to take a picture of his report card in order to calculate why he is first in the class and her daughter is second, she did the math and the boy has scored 0.25% more on the year total than her child. Who does that? A few months back her brother and sister in-law had their first baby, a child they have been trying and waiting for, for eight years. She couldn’t stop complaining about how sick and tired she is of her mother-in-law making a fuss of this baby and that they should get over it already bla-bla-bla. I realised that I don’t want to surround myself with people like that, they just bring you down. Eventually one starts to think and talk like these people and then before your recognize it you are just like them. Another thing is, they are always late not ten or twenty minutes but like two or three hours and then offer excuses like her husband was playing games or she didn’t feel like showering or some nonsense reason. Writhing this I can’t believe I allowed it go on this long!
    The other friend, well we have been friends since we were 4, I have always known she is a little self-absorbed, but in the past two years she has turned into a very selfish person that I have no desire to be around. She met her now husband, the poor man was manipulated in to the entire thing and now I only hear from her when she needs something. She has a husband so her life has started I guess…
    Both of these friends I have just let go, I didn’t confront the issues as I don’t feel it is necessary to make a big deal out of it. Sometimes people just grow apart and that is okay too. All I did was quit texting and calling, strangely enough they didn’t text or call either. Just goes to show you.
    Luckily I have three really good girlfriends and they have been such a blessing in my life doing stuff for them is never a chore rather a pleasure and they have all been there for me when I really needed a hand to hold on too!
    Again thank you, you made me feel joyful and comforted today!
    Sorry for the long read…
    Blessings,
    Sirie

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    1. Dang! That is next level! Sounds like you are better off with your 3 other friends. :)

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  9. Dear Cherokee

    you speak out of my heart with every post. i just read all of them at once. its like you speaking my mind out loud. with all the toughts and insecurities we all have and nobody speaks out loud. i'm so happy you did. i dond feel like i'm the only one who thinks this or that. i'm not alone there are at least somebody else who thinks stuff like that. i enjoy reading this so much and i am so happy you are sharing your toughts and helping me with them. sorry my english is not the best its not my mother tongue but i hope you can understand what i meant and i'm loveling you for beeing yourself and such a honest sweet person from the bottom of my heart. lots of love steph

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    1. I am so glad that some people seem to be identifying with my feelings. That makes me feel accomplished. ;)

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  10. Hello Cherry,
    I understand you completely. I too had to break up with a friend. It was a bit difficult but it was the right thing to do. She had all the signs of a toxic friend, and it was passive-agressive with me. And i've learned after some huge problems with other friends that i don't need that. So i stoped talking to her and cut all contact. And i'm good now. Sometimes we have to do some hard decisions, but they're worth it. I'm glad that i'm not the only one who thinks that way.

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  11. Hi Cherry,
    This has really helped me. I recently had to break up with my best friend. I'm not going to lie I miss her sometimes but at the same time I know she had to go,like you said there was no point for her to be in my life anymore. Anyways love your blog can't wait to read more!

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  12. Hi Cherry,
    This has really helped me. I recently had to break up with my best friend. I'm not going to lie I miss her sometimes but at the same time I know she had to go,like you said there was no point for her to be in my life anymore. Anyways love your blog can't wait to read more!

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Thank you so much for stopping by! Please be nice and kind with your words even if you have something to criticize. I am trying to answer to as many questions as possible but please have some understanding that I cannot answer to all of you. XOXO