This is Where We Go From Here

As you guys know I had a third heart surgery last month and unfortunately it wasn't successful. Today I went in for my follow up appointment to figure out what to do next.

It turns out that the bad rhythms I am having aren't sustainable enough to fix them with surgery. And some of the arrhythmia I am experiencing isn't actually surgically fixable at all. We have discovered though that I have crazy low blood pressure naturally and not only is it causing me to have severely low energy (I am nodding out in the middle of the day while I am working) but it also may be contributing to my heart problems.

So the first plan of attack is to get me hydrated and pumped full of minerals and vitamins that will strengthen my heart and bring my blood pressure back up. Lots of water and electrolytes-- I have settled on Propel water because it doesn't have sugar and I need the sodium that coconut water doesn't provide. I have also been instructed to add more salt to my diet, which is a super weird thing to hear from your doctor! And lastly I am supposed to get more magnesium and potassium into my diet. Sucky thing is-- potassium is good for your heart but also lowers your blood pressure!!

He is also prescribing me a daily medication that will raise my blood pressure and hopefully help with the energy. The only thing is that is has some side effects and one of them is heart arrhythmia. So fingers crossed that the side effects don't get me!

He is also prescribing me a medication that I can take as needed for the tachycardia. I only really experience that right now whenI work out, so I just have to take it before I do that and hopefully it works. I have had issues with medications that break the blood/brain barrier in the past, but this is water soluble, so I am hoping the side effects are minimal-- especially since I am not taking it daily.

Lastly, he stressed finding holistic options. Which I think is really refreshing to hear from a doctor. He told me to find foods and supplements that are rich in the things I need to help stabilize my heart beats. He said he has had patients that figure out that a banana a day help them immensely. So I am going to try to holistic approach first for a bit. If that doesn't help, I am going to try the blood pressure meds. And if that doesn't help, I will go to the heart meds.

Basically it is a waiting game now. If my problems get significantly worse, he can go back in surgically and try to fix them. But right now they aren't severe enough to try that route again and my doctor thinks I will just get the same result.

So I am currently eating a banana and drinking propel water and taking supplements. I am staying positive because I think that is the most important thing-- especially because stress makes everything worse with my heart. I feel like things are going to be ok. They have to be!

Thank you again from the bottom of my crooked little heart for all of your love, well wishes, prayers, gifts, and cards. They honestly have done so much to help my morale and keep my smiling even when its through tears. I am on my path to wellness!!

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Real Life is Admitting When Things Suck

I am scheduled to have heart surgery in 2 weeks.
I have been very public about my surgery and certain things I am going through, but I want to get real real today.

I know I put a really brave and positive face on social media. I get emails all day long about how inspiring I am and how my positivity is so great. And most of the time I do try to stay positive. I keep smiling. I show up to classes and shoots and film my videos and keep that peppy Cherry face on.

But the truth is, I feel shitty. I feel shitty most every day. And nothing any one can do will make it better. And it takes all of the strength that I have just to get out of bed in the morning and not wallow in pain and self pity.
I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I cant quite catch my breath. I feel like there is a little demon in there flicking my heart every now and then so that it doesn't beat quite right. I feel more tired than I ever have in my life. I find myself nodding off during the day like an 87 year old man. I don't know why it is like a man, it just made good sense in my head. I am sick, give me a break. I am tired of doctors appointments and tests. I feel like all I want to do is cry or sleep. And I have spent a lot of my days lately doing both.

I rarely see any of my friends or family anymore. Part of this is self inflicted and part of this is friend inflicted. I am not good at reaching out. I don't want to be a burden on anyone when all of my people are going through so much themselves. But part of me is becoming resentful. I cant even tell you the last time a real life friend or family member, and not some lovely social media stranger, has reached out to make sure I am ok. Love from strangers is amazing-- but nothing makes up for the love you get from people that you truly love back. And social media strangers aside, I have had more casual acquaintances texting and messaging than anyone that is close to me. And I try to ignore it. But it hurts. And I am already in so much pain all of the time.

I am scared. At least once a day I go into a full on panic attack. I think about them cutting into me. I think about the pain after surgery. I think about the possibility of having to go back. I think about the possibility of being left with a pace maker. I think about not being well in time to continue working. I think about the bills. I think about not being fixed and dealing with this forever. I think about losing my insurance after the ACA is gone and not qualifying for new insurance because I am a pre existing condition. I wake up in the middle of the night and my mind races.

I am a really active person and I am working really hard to get my body in shape. But my heart consistently holds me back. Sometimes even just walking up a flight of stairs leaves me so winded I have to sit down. I am frustrated that I can't push my body as hard as it needs to be pushed to see the results that I want. Especially when the rest of my body is healthy and ready to be pushed. My heart is like a fitness limiter. If it had a face, I would punch it right off.

The reality of having a medical condition isn't fun. No matter how many positive posts and happy smiles I put on my face-- I am hurting and I am scared and I am lonely. I appreciate all of your kind words and messages and letters and gifts, don't get me wrong. All of these things are the little rays of sunshine on my dark days. But I thought I owed it to everyone else struggling through health issues to be honest. If you are feeling all of these things too, you are not alone. Just do your best to keep going and keep that smile on your face even when you don't feel it. I can't say I am anyones champion, but I am doing my best.

I just want to be better.

P.S. My husband is the best husband that ever husbanded and has been my rock through all of this!

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Day 62- My Love For Nurses

I love nurses. Nursing is one of the most under appreciated positions around. I just finished a marathon of Nurse Jackie and it got me thinking about my own experiences in and out of the hospital for so many years.
I loved my cardiologist. Loved, loved, loved. He was an amazing doctor and a kind man. But let me tell you, on the day of my surgeries, I didn't even really see him at all because I was knocked out before he got to me. You know who I did see? Nurses.
For my first surgery I went in and had a newbie nurse who botched my IV and had no bedside manner. Luckily, the surgery before me ran way late and they had to send me home and reschedule me. When I went back a month later, I was shell shocked and terrified. But luckily I had a good nurse who numbed me and put in my IV flawlessly. She was sweet and reminded me of my grandma. When I woke up, I found out that they hadn't been able to fix me and also that I had flatlined and I was shocked and scared and crying.  She fed me broth and rubbed my forehead and I started crying even more because she was so kind and familiar.
When I went back for my second surgery, I actually scheduled it on a day that she was working so that I could have her again. It was 2 days before Christmas and as I walked into the pre op room, there was a little gift waiting on my bed. It was a little heart shaped ring box and a heart shaped picture holder-- and a note that welcomed me back. Again, I cried. I couldn't believe that someone could be so kind and compassionate and make me feel so comfortable when I was so scared.
Through the years I have had many nurses-- good, bad, and straight up terrible. Some of them I remember, some of them I don't. But the one nurse that will always have a special place in my heart (pun intended) is my surgical nurse. She really made an otherwise horrible and scary experience bearable.
Nurses fill so many roles. They are caretakers, they are medical professionals, they care caregivers, and for me, they are the people that can make or break my anxiety when things are going bad. Next time you are at your doctors office... thank your nurse. You may only see your nurse for a few moments, but just remember that they are doing really crucial
things too. Your nurse is basically your doctors wing man. That is important stuff.
To all of you nurses out there... I salute you. Thank you for the time, the patience, and the care that you give us.

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Day 37-- Breakfast Is The Most Important Meal

I am a breakfast person. I eat breakfast every day. And it has to be substantial. Eggs, avocado toast, oatmeal... Cereal days are reserved for the days that my cupboards are bare and they seriously bum me out. My favorite breakfast is (left) poached eggs on top of avocado on top of toast drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with salt and pepper.
Something I learned very quickly when I started traveling is that not everyone values breakfast as highly as I do. I have spent several morning hours with hosts and photographers that don't even eat a single morsel of anything before lunch. Meanwhile, I am hanging out trying to quell my stomach growls that are only matched by my hangry nature. After my first full tour, I packed my luggage to the gills with breakfast bars and to go oatmeal cups. I WILL NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN.
(As I am typing this, my annoying husband is telling me to write something in my blog today about him. So here it is. Now quit bugging me baby)
When Trevor and I went to Italy for our honeymoon, we also learned quickly that Italians do not value breakfast the way we do. Rather, I do. Trevor thinks I am obsessed with breakfast to a fault. I think it is a human necessity. We spent our first 3 mornings in Rome with him drinking coffee and us both eating pastries. Which is fun and romantic. For about 3 days. By the 4th day, I would have strangled a small human for just one plate of scrambled eggs or a morsel of bacon. By the time we got to Florence, it was code red. We finally found a place in the most touristy square that had "America Breakfast" advertised outside. We got scrambled eggs, 2 slices of "bacon" (which in Europe is not REAL bacon... it is a thin, floppy, not crispy and not smoked piece of ham. IT'S HAM PEOPLE!!), a piece of toast, a sliver of strawberry and orange juice. Our bill was $70 American dollars.
I am a firm believer that breakfast is the key to kick starting a healthy metabolism. I believe that being 33 and still being svelte has a lot to do with my eating habits. I eat a good breakfast and then I eat small meals and snacks throughout the day.
But mostly I am a firm believer that breakfast is important for me to have if the people around me value their lives.

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