Tuesday, July 26, 2016

The Age Old Question...Kids?

So since I took a long blog hiatus, I am going to come back with guns blazing and talk about the subject you guys are CONSTANTLY asking me about. Am I going to have kids?

Growing up, I never wanted kids. I never had that pull to be a mom or get married or really do any of the things that are expected from females. I just wanted to be happy. Whatever that meant.

In my mid 20s I started to think about kids. I started to really think about whether or not I wanted them since I could hear that clock ticking quietly in the background. When I met Trevor, the urge for children became stronger than I had ever experienced. It was like I was standing in a bell tower and the clock was ringing all around me. When we fell in love and got married and started our life, I could finally imagine being a mom. I could imagine us lying in bed with our little human between us-- sharing our little life that no one else could touch. I started to glamorize parenthood. Sunny park picnics. Smiley birthday parties. Baby milestones. It started to seem like something maybe I did want.
And then I started to travel a lot. And my friends started having kids. And all of that came to a screeching halt.

I hate crying babies. I hate changing diapers. I hate temper tantrums and food flung everywhere. I hate answering to anybody but me. I love my freedom. I love traveling. I love my quiets moments alone with Trevor. I love sleeping in. I love reading quietly before bed. I love going to dinner with friends and drinking wine and not being distracted. I love my life. Some people call it selfish-- I call it content.
Then I started panicking. But wait, if I don't have kids, who will take care of me when I am old?? What will my life MEAN?
And then my rational brain kicked in.

I know plenty of dickhead kids that hate their parents and are drug addicts and shysters. I know people that have straight up stolen from their dying parents. There is no guarantee that your kids will give a crap about you. There is no guarantee that even with kids, you won't still die alone. What a weird reason to have kids. Not only that, but they say that the average cost of raising a child to 18 years old is about $250,000. If I invested that in a retirement fund for the next 18 years... I WILL BE A MILLIONAIRE!! Seriously. Kids take all of your money.

As far as my life having meaning... My life has plenty of meaning. I feel that my life has been filled with dozens of personal and public successes. I have a man that loves me, and that I love intensely and fully. I have friends that are there always. I have a family that rules. I get to see the world. I have all of the things that I need in my life. And I have freedom. FREEDOM. To me, freedom is priceless. The freedom to be and do whatever I want. I can buy a plane ticket to India tomorrow if I want to. I can sleep until 5pm if I want. I can quit my job and be a street performer for the rest of my life if I want. I have no one depending on me. Which means the sky is the limit. I don't have to worry about providing food and shelter and education and healthcare to a little human.

Trevor is with me. He has told me so many times that if I want kids... he will love them and be the best dad ever. And if I don't... we will spend our lives together having adventures. He is basically leaving the decision to me. Let me tell you, this lovely way of thinking is NO help in my decision making. But lovely nonetheless.

Now here comes my disclaimer: having and/or wanting kids is not bad or wrong in any way. No way ma'am. I have lots of friends with kids that are perfectly happy and that are amazing parents with amazing kids. I also have friends that are miserable with kids that are little bastards and I am always relieved when I get to go home. But the beauty of our generation is we get the CHOICE. We get to choose to be parents, or not to be parents. And no choice is wrong. It annoys me and makes me sad when I get relentless comments from people asking me when we are having kids and if I say anything at all about possibly not wanting them, there is always the appalled "Why?" Why?? Because none of your business, that's why.

Here is one thing to remember when asking people about parenthood... Some people simply CANNOT have children. I have a few close friends that have struggled with fertility and hearing those questions always appalls me-- the lack of care and thought that comes along with them just kills me.

Fertility aside... A persons choice to be a parent is no ones business but their own.
And as of today do I want kids? Nope. Will it change tomorrow? Maybe. But right now I am happy and content with my choice. And if I get old and my eggs dry up and I always wonder what it would have been like to be a mom, I can always look back at the badass shit I got to do in my life and the man I get to have forever and know that I made my best choice.

37 comments:

  1. I am always awestruck at your ability to be completely honest. Having children or not having children is such a highly personal decision and I applaud you for being so frank about an issue that is no ones F#cking business. I have three beautiful children that I adore but I am the first person to admit that it is hard. Incredibly hard and rewarding! You are a light to so many, thank you.

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  2. All I can say is Thank you Cherry. Reading this literally brought me to tears. I have also made the decision that kids are not right for me, and often I find myself having to defend my decision, to not only friends, but sometimes complete strangers. Thank you for talking about something that many women do not want to admit out loud. Sometimes I feel like maybe I missed the day they handed out that biological clock, but other days (when I can sleep in as long as I want) it doesn't bother me so much, but it is always nice to know you are not alone. Thank you. <3

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    1. Hell yes, your cooch really is nobody else's business! :D

      I'm the opposite in that a lot of my friends are not maternally-inclined at all and I'm perfectly happy with my little 'Raptor. It'd be so incredibly boring if we all lived the same life the same way, so stay true to you.

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  3. Having no kids of your own means you get to play Awesome Auntie to friends kids. Rock the roll and have awesome adventures with Trevor. Just remember to tell us mothers about them so we can live vicariously. ;-)

    Natalie

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  4. Great post. I had all of the same thoughts you share. Traveling, sleeping, freedom, diapers, crying, other peoples' kids. I still have those thoughts. I am 40, and 8 months pregnant. My partner and I want this. We have vowed to still do the things WE love, to put as much time into ourselves as the child. We think the child's life will be richer for it.
    Those are OUR thoughts. I expect everyone else will have their own, about us, about people who have thoughts like you. But like you said, it's none of their business. But I'm glad you shared anyway.

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    1. Age 27, and I fully agree. Devoting your every second to Baby is not healthy, and will just make life difficult for both of you in the long-term. He/She needs to learn that Mom and Dad are real people and need things like free time and personal care as well, and that having your own interests separate to family life is a good thing. They may want to join in when they're old enough as well, or they may have their own interests - but they'll know that it's OK to be true to themselves and that you don't need to do everything together. :)

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  5. Omg. Looks like something written by me! Hahaha I celebrate 4 years of happy marriage Last week, and that question has been hunting me since day one. I love my freedom too and god only knows if tomorrow I Will change my mind!

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    1. You do you. :)
      My attitude was/is that if anyone is that interested in your sex life then they better be prepared for graphic details about ALL OF IT...

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  6. Omg. Looks like something written by me! Hahaha I celebrate 4 years of happy marriage Last week, and that question has been hunting me since day one. I love my freedom too and god only knows if tomorrow I Will change my mind!

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  7. I am with you on this and thank you for the post. Not only is it a personal choice, but there are many reasons not to have children, as many as there are for it. My husband and most of his family struggle with hereditary depression and anxiety. Seeing what he goes through validates to me that I couldn't be responsible for the possibility that our child would suffer also. I'm sure this is not something a well meaning person wants to hear when they ask "why?", not realizing it really is none of their business. I notice a lot more women making the choice to be child free and it's not something we decide lightly.

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  8. Parenthood is a huge responsibility full of self sacrifice. There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing yourself over having kids. What is really wrong is having kids and then resenting them or refusing to make sacrifices for them. Those are the people I have contempt for. I have two children, that are 10 and 12, and I love being a mom. That was my choice, though. They weren't accidents. Both were planned pregnancies. I thought I didn't want to get married or have kids as a teenager but as I got into my 20's, I couldn't imagine being an old lady and not being a grandmother. I had kids so I could hopefully have grandkids someday. Lol! We all have our reasons :)

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  9. Parenthood is a huge responsibility full of self sacrifice. There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing yourself over having kids. What is really wrong is having kids and then resenting them or refusing to make sacrifices for them. Those are the people I have contempt for. I have two children, that are 10 and 12, and I love being a mom. That was my choice, though. They weren't accidents. Both were planned pregnancies. I thought I didn't want to get married or have kids as a teenager but as I got into my 20's, I couldn't imagine being an old lady and not being a grandmother. I had kids so I could hopefully have grandkids someday. Lol! We all have our reasons :)

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  10. Thank you for this post. I get asked the same question all the time and you've pretty much put into words how I feel about the subject. I'm the oldest of 5 children and growing up I was responsible for all of them. At this point in life I enjoy being responsible for only me (and occasionally have to keep an eye on my hubby). My family seems to think I'm being selfish, but I'm happy the way things are. Thanks again for sharing.

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    1. Would they rather you neglected any potential kids, since you had them to appease their irrelevant desires?

      If you're happy and you know it, keep on rockin' your way. :)

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  11. I love this post. There is nothing wrong with being selfish and its best knowing that now than later. I know people who are selfish and have kids and they find kids to be a burden because their life is no longer theirs. Kids aren't for everyone and there is nothing wrong stating that. For me I have one and I still get asked when are you having a second one. My decision was to always have one and nothing more. Sometimes I shoukd say I can't have anymore and start crying that will make people stop asking that question. ��

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    1. Your cooch, your rules. I'm happy with one too thanks to health issues in the last few weeks, and which would probably pop up again if I had another...

      If the nosy sods keep insisting on asking, throw them off with something completely absurd and unrelated. Wave your hand like someone's offering you more food and say something like "Oh no, my stomach's about to burst!".

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  12. I always knew I wanted kids. I always said I wanted a lot of kids. When I was 17 I was told it would be difficult for me to get pregnant. At 19 I miscarried. At 20 I got the surprise of my life and a healthy gorgeous baby boy. Its been hard and I did the beat I could and today I have a awesome 19 yr old who has a wicked twisted sense of humor like his Mom and has the biggest heart and genuinely gentle soul. I wouldn't trade the Mom experience do anything..all of it good bad and well dowmright gross. Since I remarried 2 yrs ago we get asked all the time when we are going to have one together?!? AW HELL NO....I'm done. I lovey boy but hubby and I can jump in the jeep Or on the Harley and take off when we want. No sitters no worries because the boy can take care of himself. Freedom is wonderful and now I get to enjoy it

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  13. Love and admire your honesty... I was in the same boat. Coming from a traditional Latino home, I was expected to get married and raise kids. I wanted to be a mom... I love children and everything that comes with it. So I decided to have a child... There were fertility issues but after years of getting on the right track, I'm finally pregnant. The real kicker is that I've decided to do it on my own by myself. My adventure is just beginning...

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  14. When I was younger, I wanted kids BAD. But I always wanted them early, so I could get the work done and out of the way and be FREE by the time I wanted to retire. Sure, at 18, 40 felt like it was a million years away. Now that I'm nearly there, it feels like I was 20 last week - but I still want that freedom. I've gotten used to my life being the way I want it to. There is nothing wrong with not having kids. Nothing wrong with having them either. So I hear you girl. I'm not married but I love my freedom and independence. I don't want to be responsible for more than me and my cats! I'll leave the parenting to the people who really really want to do it.

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  15. This spoke to me, I am recently married and very sick. I am the first in my blood line to have an auto immune disease. And a brain tumour. And I can tell you that ever since I got married I am asked "when are you making me and aunt,godparent, uncle etc". How about when and IF I want to?! My disease is genetic and gene mutation isn't an option for us so I have the hard time of weighing up the decision to pass this on to another human or let it stop at me. So why do people feel that they get a say in that decision? It's our lives after all.

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  16. I always wonder why people feel it's appropriate to ask whether you are planning to have children, especially people you don't know. I'm nearly 40 and me and my husband to be have decided not to bother - like you, we appreciate our freedom too much. But people do ask me about it all the time - I'm always honest and polite in my response, but I do feel it's not an appropriate question to ask unless you are someone I know we'll.

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  17. I had my little Velociraptor in April. It's a huge change that is hella expensive and hella scary, but this bit with the shitty arses and sleepless nights is temporary. I chose this. And I'm happy with my choice -- I've eaten better (I.e. More regularly), communicate better with my husband, I'm learning what it really means to be me, and doing my thing with a little mini-[husband] in tow.

    On the flip side: Im fucking exhausted, constantly worry about money and health issues, every day starts at about 5am, and my stomach still hurts sometimes (emergency C-section thanks to liver problems, that could have been much worse..). The thought of doing it all again scares the ever-loving shit out of me because the same complications are highly likely and dividing myself between Husband, 'Raptor, cat, and me is still a work in progress.

    But it's only been four months. It might change, and it might not. But as you said, we all have the choice. My best friend is an awesome auntie and fairly-godmother, but IIRC she's not too keen on having her own. Another friend has a family history of life-threatening complications so has chosen not to risk her life. A cousin of mine was the least maternal person I'd ever met, and now she has two amazing little boys.

    Deciding that you like your freedom is kind of selfish, BUT!! It would be more selfish to bring a child into a loveless environment just because someone thinks you owe it to society to breed, to have them growing up painfully aware of how they "ruined" your life, believing that they aren't worth loving because Mom or Dad wanted the cute little accessory but without the reality.
    You are doing the right thing for you. And I applaud you and every other woman who thinks it through and makes the right choice for her. :)

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  18. We were happily married for seven years, travelling extensively and working hard at jobs we loved, when I unexpectedly fell pregnant. We had always assumed we would have kids 'one day' but didn't actively discuss or plan for it. I think I was in complete shock for the first few weeks, and really didn't know if it was what I genuinely wanted. It changed him completely, and I love him infinitely more since he became a dad as he takes such joy in it. I on the other hand worry every day that I am not good enough, not engaged enough, not present enough as a mother. It's the hardest thing I have ever done, and I miss my old life, but if anything it's made us stronger as a couple. No one can tell you what it's like, or how you will feel as everyone's experience is different. Make your own choices and let no one question them.

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  19. This spoke to me, I am recently married and very sick. I am the first in my blood line to have an auto immune disease. And a brain tumour. And I can tell you that ever since I got married I am asked "when are you making me and aunt,godparent, uncle etc". How about when and IF I want to?! My disease is genetic and gene mutation isn't an option for us so I have the hard time of weighing up the decision to pass this on to another human or let it stop at me. So why do people feel that they get a say in that decision? It's our lives after all.

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  20. THANK YOU! Thank you for this! It's like you read my mind on this issue and verbalised it perfectly. I have no desire to have children what so ever. I may change my mind in 5 years but for now, I am so happy enjoying my life with my Husband. I want for nothing. Plus, life seems to get exponentially stickier with children..why are they always so sticky?! Do what makes you happy I say and if that's not having children, so be it!! Xxx

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  21. When people ask me about kids, I tell them the truth, that I am too selfish to have kids.

    I love my friend's kids, but at the end of the day I get to handcthem back to their parents and that is the end of my responsibilities with them. I always get the appalled looks at my frankness, but I just tell them that nobody knows me better than me, and I would make a horrible mother because of that selfish side of myself that doesn't want to sacrifice the freedoms that I know I would have to.

    Also, the thought of being pregnant freaks me out.

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  22. When people ask me about kids, I tell them the truth, that I am too selfish to have kids.

    I love my friend's kids, but at the end of the day I get to handcthem back to their parents and that is the end of my responsibilities with them. I always get the appalled looks at my frankness, but I just tell them that nobody knows me better than me, and I would make a horrible mother because of that selfish side of myself that doesn't want to sacrifice the freedoms that I know I would have to.

    Also, the thought of being pregnant freaks me out.

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  23. My favorite part: As far as my life having meaning... My life has plenty of meaning. I feel that my life has been filled with dozens of personal and public successes. I have a man that loves me, and that I love intensely and fully.

    As a 40 year old, married 18+ years, chosen not to be a mom woman....thank you!!!!!!!

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  24. Wow! By seeing all the comments on this blog, this is clearly a topic that resonates with many of your readers. I appreciate your honest and well written thoughts. I'm always shocked with how rude people are when it comes too this topic. It is nobody's business but the couple's! Thanks for writing another great blog and I'm so happy to see you writing again!

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  25. THANK YOU!! I feel exactly the same and the only thing that annoys me about this is that I/you/we feel like we have to keep justifying our decision whenever others keep asking the question. who cares?! perfectly said: '"Why?" Why?? Because none of your business, that's why' :)

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  26. thank you for sharing. I never ask the question as you're right it's not my business. I have a son & now the question is 'when's the next one?'
    And honest...I do regret it a bit because can't do what I want anymore.

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  27. Thank you for sharing. I remember when I married my ex-husbad when I was 19, people were asking the baby question. He didn't want children and I was on the fence. I'm glad I didn't have any with him, since within a month of getting married, I found out that he was an abusive man. So much so that the one time I did get pregnant, he told me to get an abortion and I said no, so he decided that pushing me down a flight of stairs was for the best. I lost the baby. :( I realized after that, I was glad that a child was not brought into that craziness. Years later I was in a new relationship for 9 years with no plans to get married ( that bothered my family a lot!) and ended up having 2 etopic pregnancies resulting in the lost of both my tubes 6 months apart. I had to come to terms with the fact that I can't have babies. It's very hard to watch all your friends having babies and you can't. In the end that relationship was destroyed because of it. I'm now in a great relationship with a man who is such an awesome guy. We've been together for 6 wonderful years and he knows everything that has happened to me. We are in our 40's and he doesn't want kids and since I can't have kids, we have the freedom to do whatever. To have or not have is NOBODY'S business, but yours and Trevors! I still get asked when we're going to have kids and I simply tell people I can't and leave it at that.

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  28. I've been married to my husband for 2 years now, and I personally have zero interest in having kids. When me and Will started dating 6 years ago, I told him that I didn't want kids, and he was relived about it because he didn't feel the need to have them either. Watching my sister and close friends giving up so much of their "self" for the sake of the baby is terrifying to me. I also hate the intrusion of the question "When are you going to have kids?" All that being said; I love my freedom, eating out, having party's at our apartment, drinking wine whenever, and traveling! Next year me and my husband are going on a trip around the world. Which we couldn't do so easily if we had kids!

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  29. Loved reading this. I turned 28 yesterday and I'm getting that "time is running out!" Comment from a lot of people, most who had kids younger (and by accident...no judgment though, I know most of them are happy). I never wanted kids and even had an abortion years ago (the one time birth control failed me) and hate that I don't feel comfortable to talk about that experience or the fact I've never wanted to be a mom. Even around fellow women.

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  30. I will never understand people's want and intrigue in when are couples going to have children. Good for you Cherry! I think that people's wants change daily on this sort of thing. As you say tomorrow you may want them. The day after you may not! That's the awesome thing about life, it's your choice. I have often wondered if you guys would have kids but it's a wonder, I used to get asked it all the time but my ex didn't want them and after five years we parted ways because I wanted them and marriage one day and he didn't. I now have beautiful 8 month old girl with my now boyfriend and we are happy as clams. But I also know that I was happy going out getting drunk every weekend lol and I'm defo happy sitting here reading your post as my little one sleeps laying next to me.

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  31. this is unrelated to your post, but I just found your blog and I love it for its authenticity! I read through all of your old posts. please keep it up! your youtube channel is wonderful but this is a great medium to share more personal information <3

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