Sunday, January 24, 2016

Day 24- Flaky Friends

I like a lot of flaky things. Biscuits, chocolate, snow... But I can't stand flaky friends. I was having dinner with my best friend and his lady tonight and we started talking about flaky friends and how annoying they are.
There are many types of flaky friends, and you come across them all in LA.
There is the noncommittal flake. When you ask them to hang out, it is usually replied to with a "I might be down." Which is not the same as a friend that has a busy schedule and might have to work last minute or do something else important. This person literally has nothing better to do, but just doesn't want to commit to one solid plan.
There is also the exploring-my-options flake. When you ask this flake to hang out, they will always reply with "who else is going to be there?" This makes you feel shitty for two reasons. They ask who else will be there because 1) they want to know if anyone better than you will be attending because you alone aren't good enough to warrant a trip out of the house or 2) they dislike most of your other friends and want to avoid most of them. There is no winning with that question.
There is the always-late flake. They will show up... but they will NEVER be on time. I am a punctuality freak. I was raised to believe that being late shows the people waiting for you that you think you are more important than them-- that their time means nothing to you. The late flake will turn being late into a cute little joke, like they are a character on a sitcom and every time they say something about being late, a laugh track will play to cut the tension. There are no laugh tracks in life.
There is the no-show flake. This is probably my most hated flake. These are the flakes that DO commit but DON'T show up. Or they send you a text 10 minutes before you are supposed to meet to let you know they aren't coming. As if that makes it less rude. I host a lot of girls nights and parties and most times I ask for RSVP's to make sure there is enough food and space. When someone just no-shows or late-bails me, it really chaps my ass. (Emergencies are different. But usually it is just self entitlement.) I had a girls night once that 14 girls RSVP'd to, and 2 showed up. TWO.
There is the never-invites-you-out flake. This friend hangs out all of the time... when YOU make plans or ask them to hang. This friend will never actually invite you out to do anything ever. Friendships shouldn't be work. Friendships also shouldn't feel like weird relationships. If you don't want someone in your life... Just don't hang out with them anymore. Don't do fake hangs!
This leads into the never-pays-for-anything flake. This is pretty self explanatory. They get cheap when the dinner bill comes. They never uber split. They cut out on tabs. They never offer gas money when you drive everywhere. This flake is really just a scrub in a flakes clothing.
I am sure there are many more flake varieties, but these came to mind first today. And now I am tired and full from my dinner with my not-flaky friends so I am calling it a day. Feel free to offer other flake varieties below...
Happy Sunday.

22 comments:

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    2. Sorry for the typos. Lol I should of proof read before I sent it. I'm not a very multi tasker

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  2. I've had this conversation with friends of mine as well. We have a theory that technology has made it easier to flake. People get away with sending a lame text 10 minutes before an event because they can hide behind their phone. They don't even have to call. It's terrible!

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  3. Aw, this kind of makes me sad. I know I am a flakey friend. I have been dealing with PPD/A and sometimes I really want to go out, but when I get ready to leave I have a full on panic attack. I have also been known to ask who else will be there. Not becauae I hate everyone or am looking for something better, but sometimes certain people or a large crowd can trigger some pretty awful feelings. Sometimes I really want to get out the door, but I look at myself- all dolled up but 50Ibs heavier from my pregancies- and cry and smear my makeup and then make an excuse not to go out because it already took me a hour to get ready and there is no way I can get out on time without being the late friend. Being late sets off my anxiety in ways I cannot explain. It makes me hate myself which usually spirals into depression, but it is hard to be on time when you work and have a little one insisting on being held while you put your false lashes on. I would never admit this to my friends, of course. I just let them think I am a souless bitch who hates social life so they don't ask me out anymore. It sucks, but I guess it is just as well. So sometimes there is a lot more going on than people think. Try not to judge flakes so harshly. They could be dealing with more than you know.

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    1. I know this feeling. With my depression, event if I like a lot those people I hang out with, I feel uncomfortable in the best case... They are not so close to me to tell them "sorry guys, I deal with depression". So I must seem a noncommittal, exploring-my-options, no-show and never-invites-them-out flake to them.

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    2. Friends are there for you to lean on! I understand not wanting to share these fears with acquaintances, but close friends will understand and be there for you. I would much rather a friend share this than just not show up.

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    3. I am a flaky friend for similar reasons and I understand. First, no show or non commitment : after having had a thyroidectomy after my cancer, i never know if I can trust my metabolism, and last year commiting to too many things completely messed up my metabolism. But I see it as listening to myself and my friends understand why it happens. I also ask my best friend who she is inviting because some of her own friends make me feel miserable. I'd still go, but prepared.
      However I have friends who will indeed let you down for no reason. And I am not fond of knowing i'll meet with my friend, but when I arrive she has actually invited several friends of hers and I did not know (1 to 1 time is so much easier to handle).

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  4. I've started being the late friend because other people are always late, and I got tired of getting places early and having to wait twice as long as I expected for other people to show up. But I still feel most of the time like I'm always the one that cares more. Most of my friends won't bother to try to make plans with me, but would hang out if I asked. I don't have the energy for it. I always wonder if it would be different if I were more fun or something.

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    1. Also, I tried to post with a name/profile but for some reason it only gives me the anonymous option. Oops. Hi I'm Deva.

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  5. I totally LOVE this blog!!! I am a person that if I say I'm going to do something I do it. I don't like feeling like I broke a promise because it could really mean something to someone ..... especially my kids and I don't like to let my kids down or my friends. I'm the loyal to the bone kind of friend. I'm also the honest to a fault kind of friend...... the most annoying kind of flake that you mentions is "the always-late flake".... this one ALWAYS pisses me off because I ALWAYS have to change my plans or extend out my time and see if I can actually go out with this person in the end. I had one that .....well she wasn't really a friend.... but a mom that ALWAYS flaked out on her kids for one reason or another and AWALYS disappointed them becuase she would wake plans then turn around and either be 5 hours late OR not show up at all, no call, no anything....then turn around and make some bullshit story up.... sorry I ranted there a little bit. THOSE are the two worst kinds of friends/people in my book.

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  6. I'm sad about this one. I have to admit, I'm somewhere between the noncommittal flake and the late flake. Not for entirely selfish reasons, I just have always struggled with "event anxiety". The feeling crappy about myself while getting ready, the inevitable dumbass argument I will have with the mister, the I hate all my clothes and nothing fits tears, the I'm sure it's only 10 minutes away when it's totally 30, etc etc. I just suck and probably won't change, as I'm 37. A 37 year old flaky friend :'(

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  7. Hello Cherry! And greetings from Finland!
    Just have to say that your blog is great, I'm also a big fan of your YouTube-channel!!
    Very many your writings are like from my life, and it's very interesting to read about your normal life, as can be noticed that we all suffer from the same kind of problems as an adult woman.
    Keep on going and hopefully destiny shows you what road to take <3 I'll stay tuned and wish you a lots of strength to manage in this crazy world!
    Best regards, Maija

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  8. Yup ....add on the 'Must do coffee' flake who never really gets round to it.....I work from home and have two chronic conditions so when I do 'something' outside the house it's an event for me lol even if it's just coffee, I look forward to it, plan my outfit, and organise other things around it . I would love to have a regular coffee buddy who thought I was worth the time but very frequently life just gets in the way for them and they can't get around to it ....then the next time we meet you hear the same ole phrase ....'we MUST do coffee'......

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    1. Yes! I am the same. My schedule is crazy busy. So when I make plans with someone, I keep them and often deflect other invites and opportunities. So when I am flaked on, it is an extra waste of my time!

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  9. I am someone who doesn't like to socialize much (I admit!) And therefore when I say I will be there, I plan on being there. Rain or shine, sick or not, bloated and depressed or not, I will be there and I'll be there early. That is why I hate flakes. There's just no excuse except that you don't care.

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  10. YES!!! I feel very similarly about flaky friends as you do, Cherry. We are all busy people, we do not have time for their excuses and shenanigans. All I know is, if I want to be someone's friend, I put forth the effort. If someone doesn't feel I am worth the effort for them to commit, respond or pay their own way, then maybe they don't need to be my friend. Friendship is a two way street, as with any other relationship--both parties involved need to put forth the effort. Of course, that doesn't mean we need to be chatting all the time, or seeing each other allllll the time. Every relationship with each person is different, as long as the speed in which you two are progressing is acceptable for all involved, it is fine by me. I have friends I need to be in contact with at least 4 times a week and others 4 times a year is sufficient.

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  11. Hi Cherry. I totally agree with you about flaky friends, as I am a big flaky friend myself. I try to put myself in my friend's position as they are always getting flaky answers when we are making plans or being patient with me when I am late or asking who else is going to be there when they invite me out. But the thing is I am so anxious to commit, even if it as simple as a drink and I try to pull myself of the couch to get ready, thus resulting to my standing up friends. And when I ask who is going to be with us is always about familiar and non-familiar faces. I have a lot of trouble making small talk with strangers even if they a friend of a friend. I can keep going on and on about the reason why I am big fat flaty friend. But, the most important thing I want to say to you and the other people that are putting up with us, is don't give up on us. We value our friends more than you know and if you give up on us, you will be irriplaceable.

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    1. I never give up on my friends! But one thing I can say is that explaining flakiness goes a long way. If your friends know that you have anxiety and know that you are asking those questions because you are anxious about the situation, it definitely takes the judgement away!

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  12. How about the "only on social media" flake .. This friend will share selfies of the two of you together #besties, tag you in sappy friendship quote posts, tweet to their followers how much they miss seein you.. But never actually call you or answer the phone when you call them, or make any effort to hang out with you at all.. But to the world -- your friendship is #onfleek 🙄

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Thank you so much for stopping by! Please be nice and kind with your words even if you have something to criticize. I am trying to answer to as many questions as possible but please have some understanding that I cannot answer to all of you. XOXO