Unfollowed.

I have never been the type of person that ever just wanted to be a pretty face with thousands of adoring fans telling me how perfect I am. I have always had really strong opinions and a giant mouth. I have always been unapologetic for taking a stance for the underdog and for my people. I have always been strongly outspoken on womens rights, LGBTQ rights, civil rights, environmental issues, health care, etc. This isn't new.

I know we all saw the Meryl Streep speech the other night. What I find so interesting is the backlash. I feel the same backlash on a much smaller scale-- but it still blows my mind. Why, just because someone is an artist, are they not entitled to opinions? Does being a public figure all of a sudden nullify any rights you have to being a human and having human emotions and thoughts? Is your doctor allowed to think and speak freely? How about your mechanic? How about a banker? Lawyer? Nail tech? Hair stylist? Can your neighbor express their thoughts as they see fit? I hope your answer to all of these is yes because we are all humans living in the free world.

Celebrities and artists have a bigger reach, yes. And they also have more influence, totally. And with that comes a great responsibility. But in my opinion the responsibility isn't to censor ourselves-- the responsibility is to speak out on the things that matter to us. If I make a post saying I will miss Obama and 500 Trump loving, gun toting, flag waving Republicans unfollow me... cool. If I make a post about gay rights and 1 person who thought being gay was wrong goes "wait! I really like Cherry and what she believes in, maybe I should take a second to rethink"... that one moment is worth those 500 lost "fans." I AM NOT YOUR PUPPET. I am not here to dance for you as you see fit.

I want to get one major point clear here-- I DO NOT DO WHAT I DO TO COLLECT FANS AND TO BE TOLD HOW GREAT I AM ALL OF THE TIME. Is it nice to hear nice things, of course!! Does it make my spirit soar when I get to hug a girl and she tells me my videos changed her life? YES! Am I going to cry myself to sleep because some girl that posts 1000 videos of contouring and looking "perfect" has about 15 times the following that I do? Nope. We all do what we do for our own reasons. I happen to want to share my passions-- which include both superficial and non-superficial topics.

Another point I feel strongly about-- my page is not your playground for "free speech." My pages are my online living room. If you walked into my living room and started attacking me and calling me names, I would gladly tell you to get out of my house. I have that same right online in my own space, just as you have that same right on yours. But just because my space is public, doesn't mean it isn't still mine.

I love when people leave comments to try to bait me and call me a whiny liberal baby and say I will probably delete their post because I can't handle an opposing opinion. And then I hit delete and laugh. I am all for differing opinions. It makes this world interesting and colorful. And I am all for well informed, educated arguments presented without attacking or name calling. I rarely delete comments from my page. But you better believe when some ignorant man calls me "a retarded bitch" for being sad that the Obamas are leaving office, he gets deleted and blocked. I don't encourage that behavior and will not dignify trolls like that with a second of my attention.

Lastly, if you find what I post SO offensive and distasteful that you cannot bear ONE more second of following me without perhaps dying... Feel free to just hit the unfollow button. Making a big dramatic announcement that you are unfollowing me will only be met with an eye roll and will only make you look silly. Exit with grace. Move on if you must.

All of that being said, I welcome anyone to follow me that likes the things that I post and is willing to skip past the things that they don't. I welcome open minded, free thinkers. I welcome anyone interested in engaging in respectful, adult conversations. If you want to see a pretty face with a vacant space between the ears and in their heart, I am not your girl. And that is ok.

I am a different flavor.

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New Year, New Stuff?

Lately I have been thinking a lot about materialism. I feel like we live in a modern society where "stuff" is valued beyond anything. I feel the pressure to keep up with other influencers that have the newest palettes or tools or enough clothing to do a new outfit everyday or whatever. I also feel the same pressure to just keep up in life with the stuff that everyone else has. The newest phone, the newest car, the biggest collection of vintage furniture/clothing/jewelry/etc.

I really sat down and thought hard about it the other day and I realized that even though I like stuff, and certain stuff is important to me, it is not stuff that makes me happy. Of course there are things that are basic human needs (food, water and shelter), and those things make me happy because they keep me alive and healthy. But I really think that we put too much emphasis and pressure on ourselves to collect things that really have no bearing on our true happiness.

This is my first blog of the year and I am going to challenge myself this year to work on figuring out what makes me truly happy, versus what I think makes me happy. Do I feel that moment of elation when I open a new box of shoes? Sure. But it is the same temporary brain spike that I get when I eat chocolate. It is temporary and it isn't real. It is like smiling without your eyes. It is surface happiness.

I am not saying that I am going to put all of my earthly belongings on craigslist tomorrow. I like my comforts and my things. I am just making a commitment to myself to put less pressure on myself to keep up with those around me and to flaunt what I have. I want a simpler life and I think this is a good first step.

Happy New Year babes.

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The Spark of Shopping is Gone

So today I went shopping for myself for the first time in as long as I can remember. I do get a lot of free clothing in the mail from companies and I just generally hate shopping so I rarely do it. I am the type of person that will find a pair of jeans that fit and buy 4 of them. Sometimes I feel like Homer Simpson-- with better hair. Today I was feeling bored with my closet so I thought I would explore the mall for Holiday sales and see if anything sparked my interest.
I happily stepped into the mall, filled with post Christmas cheer, enjoying all of the smiling faces and giant sale signs. But then I was quickly and forcefully reminded that I have recently gained some weight. And I instantly hated everything I put on. I hated the way everything made my butt look flat. I hated how everything squeezed me in the middle. I hate the dances I had to do to even wiggle into most of the pieces I chose. I hated looking at my body in the vicious 3 way mirror under the unforgiving fluorescent lighting.
Side note: why don't stores get better lighting in their dressing rooms??? Seems like good business sense to me. Do you want your customers to see every last teaspoon of cellulite on their bodies when they are trying on your dresses? Dummies.
So back to the matter at hand, shopping. I went to three different stores before I decided that no dress or pants on earth are ever going to look good on me again and I should just plunge myself from the top level of the mall. Then after a 1 minute and 37 second freak out, I walked myself down to the shoe department and bought myself sky high heels that I probably will never wear but make my ass and my legs look great.
I guess there is no moral to my story today. Just wanted to share how I am feeling and hope that it makes you gals feeling the same mall demoralization not feel so alone. I feel that all women, big or small, have these moments where your body just doesn't want to cooperate with what your heart deems to suit you. My best advice? Regroup and buy some shoes.

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Stop Searching for Outrage

I woke up this morning to an inbox FULL of the same comment from my youtube channel. The comment reads "Is that a fucking swastika on your necklace in photo 7 of your photo gallery? Take that shit down"

Not only was this left in my inbox as a private message, it was also left as a comment on dozens of my videos. Before I replied to this lovely lady, I took a deep breath to regroup and phrase my response firmly but with all of the kindness I could muster.

The photo (to the right) was a picture of me from high school. It is black and white. The necklace in question is actually an ANTI swastika-- a type of necklace that was super popular among the punk and ska crowd in the late 90s. This necklace was sold EVERYWHERE. I am sure many of you reading this had one. The circle and cross that made it anti were red. Which means in a black and white photo, it is really hard to see. Ok, I get it. To someone that doesn't know what this necklace is, at first glance it might look like I am just a super nazi.

Here is the thing though... Why did this girl feel the need to blast my social media, outing me as a nazi, before I even had a chance to explain or defend myself? This is a prime example of the beast of human that social media has created. Everyone is just primed and ready for outrage. In fact, people scour every last deep corner for it in hopes that they will be the one to uncover all of our dark, seedy pasts. And ok, I get it-- when you find pictures of Tila Tequila doing nazi salutes at a white supremacist rally, it is pretty hard to explain away. But a 20 year old grainy black and white photo is hardly a smoking gun.

I guess the point of my blog today is to stop the witch hunts. If you find something on the internet that seems suspect and you would like further clarification, ask the poster directly. Don't DEMAND something of a stranger based off of a half baked judgment. And regardless of what it is that you find offensive, it is never your right as a human to make demands of another human. Like it or not we live in a country full of freedoms and being an asshole won't change anyones perspective. There are a lot of things in this world and on the internet that you might not find to your liking. So keep moving. Or get off of the internet and actually make real changes.

Happy Thursday.

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Missionaries.

Today I heard an unexpected knock on my front door, and since we don't have a peep hole, I just opened it. And standing on the other side were two young men in suits and bicycle helmets, toting the Book of Mormon. As soon as I looked down and saw the book, before they even said anything, I said, "Hello! Sorry, not interested!" They were both very nice and as I was slowly closing the door, they kept trying to reel me in. I thanked them and said no politely, but I definitely closed the door before they could pander anymore.

Here is the thing, I GET that missionaries can be annoying. Especially if you are atheist, agnostic, or they are preaching a religion that has values that contrast your own. And I get it that they can be relentlessly pushy. I know people that will go out of their way to prank, shame and be glorious dickheads to missionaries that DARE knock on their doors just to get rid of them. I have had friends that answer the door naked. I have had friends that have just screamed bloody murder. I have had friends that said horrible, shocking things.

But here is the thing... They are generally young kids that are sent on missions thousands of miles away from their homes that can sometimes be very sheltered. These young boys today couldn't have been more than 18 or 19. They are in full slacks and ties in 100 degree weather. They are preaching something they so desperately believe in. They probably have never experienced the lifestyles they will encounter in this city and its slums. And they had smiles on their faces even as I was closing my door.

The point of this blog is not to judge religion: whether it be people that preach it or people that react to it. The point of this blog is simply to say-- be kinder to children and people that are strong in their faith. It is not for us to judge others beliefs just as we hope they will not judge ours. If someone comes to your door preaching or selling something you don't like, be kind. It takes nothing away from your life. By all means, close your door... But don't do it like an asshole.

That is all. Happy Tuesday.

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The Age Old Question...Kids?

So since I took a long blog hiatus, I am going to come back with guns blazing and talk about the subject you guys are CONSTANTLY asking me about. Am I going to have kids?

Growing up, I never wanted kids. I never had that pull to be a mom or get married or really do any of the things that are expected from females. I just wanted to be happy. Whatever that meant.

In my mid 20s I started to think about kids. I started to really think about whether or not I wanted them since I could hear that clock ticking quietly in the background. When I met Trevor, the urge for children became stronger than I had ever experienced. It was like I was standing in a bell tower and the clock was ringing all around me. When we fell in love and got married and started our life, I could finally imagine being a mom. I could imagine us lying in bed with our little human between us-- sharing our little life that no one else could touch. I started to glamorize parenthood. Sunny park picnics. Smiley birthday parties. Baby milestones. It started to seem like something maybe I did want.
And then I started to travel a lot. And my friends started having kids. And all of that came to a screeching halt.

I hate crying babies. I hate changing diapers. I hate temper tantrums and food flung everywhere. I hate answering to anybody but me. I love my freedom. I love traveling. I love my quiets moments alone with Trevor. I love sleeping in. I love reading quietly before bed. I love going to dinner with friends and drinking wine and not being distracted. I love my life. Some people call it selfish-- I call it content.
Then I started panicking. But wait, if I don't have kids, who will take care of me when I am old?? What will my life MEAN?
And then my rational brain kicked in.

I know plenty of dickhead kids that hate their parents and are drug addicts and shysters. I know people that have straight up stolen from their dying parents. There is no guarantee that your kids will give a crap about you. There is no guarantee that even with kids, you won't still die alone. What a weird reason to have kids. Not only that, but they say that the average cost of raising a child to 18 years old is about $250,000. If I invested that in a retirement fund for the next 18 years... I WILL BE A MILLIONAIRE!! Seriously. Kids take all of your money.

As far as my life having meaning... My life has plenty of meaning. I feel that my life has been filled with dozens of personal and public successes. I have a man that loves me, and that I love intensely and fully. I have friends that are there always. I have a family that rules. I get to see the world. I have all of the things that I need in my life. And I have freedom. FREEDOM. To me, freedom is priceless. The freedom to be and do whatever I want. I can buy a plane ticket to India tomorrow if I want to. I can sleep until 5pm if I want. I can quit my job and be a street performer for the rest of my life if I want. I have no one depending on me. Which means the sky is the limit. I don't have to worry about providing food and shelter and education and healthcare to a little human.

Trevor is with me. He has told me so many times that if I want kids... he will love them and be the best dad ever. And if I don't... we will spend our lives together having adventures. He is basically leaving the decision to me. Let me tell you, this lovely way of thinking is NO help in my decision making. But lovely nonetheless.

Now here comes my disclaimer: having and/or wanting kids is not bad or wrong in any way. No way ma'am. I have lots of friends with kids that are perfectly happy and that are amazing parents with amazing kids. I also have friends that are miserable with kids that are little bastards and I am always relieved when I get to go home. But the beauty of our generation is we get the CHOICE. We get to choose to be parents, or not to be parents. And no choice is wrong. It annoys me and makes me sad when I get relentless comments from people asking me when we are having kids and if I say anything at all about possibly not wanting them, there is always the appalled "Why?" Why?? Because none of your business, that's why.

Here is one thing to remember when asking people about parenthood... Some people simply CANNOT have children. I have a few close friends that have struggled with fertility and hearing those questions always appalls me-- the lack of care and thought that comes along with them just kills me.

Fertility aside... A persons choice to be a parent is no ones business but their own.
And as of today do I want kids? Nope. Will it change tomorrow? Maybe. But right now I am happy and content with my choice. And if I get old and my eggs dry up and I always wonder what it would have been like to be a mom, I can always look back at the badass shit I got to do in my life and the man I get to have forever and know that I made my best choice.

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Day 110: Major Apologies (I Swear I Don't Think I am Super Cool)

Hello everyone! Sorry for the extended hiatus! I have been so busy traveling, and I leave for Italy again tomorrow! 

Just wanted to take a minute to write a blog and apologize for something that is very embarrassing and humbling. I have a TERRIBLE memory. Like, the worst ever. Trevor gets so frustrated with me because he will tell me something and an hour later he will have to remind me. I have a B12 deficiency which also does not help my memory at all.

Throughout the year, I travel so much and meet thousands of people and I try my best to remember everyone, but I just can't! At Viva, there were times that I met people, and then saw them a few hours later and already didn't remember meeting.

I promise I don't do this on purpose. I promise I do not think I am super cool or better than anyone.  So please, please do not hate me... I try my best to remember!

Oddly enough, I tend to remember girls not by their names or faces, but by their stories. It is how my brain associates things and keeps details in there. So if I only met you briefly and don't know anything about you, odds are my memory will go "NOPE!!" and erase you quickly. 

But just know... I love you all, and never mean to hurt anyones feelings or make anyone feel less important than they are. You all are absolutely the most important and without you, there would be no Cherry Dollface. Lots of love!!

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Day 59- How Music Makes Me Feel

I just signed up for Apple Music and I have spent the last week rediscovering the music of my youth. It is crazy how you can not hear a song for 10+ years and the second it comes on, you know all of the words, all of the fills, all of the harmonies... And you are instantly transported back to that moment 10+ years ago.
I recently did hair and makeup for a girl that was a music therapist. This idea really interested me. I am a person that is very swayed by music. If I am feeling good and hopeful, happy upbeat music makes me even more cheerful. If I am feeling romantic, sappy music makes my heart swell. If I am feeling sad, slow melancholic music makes me weep. I fully believe that music does magic things to our souls.
I think of my life in terms of what music I was listening to at what point. I have my Cure years. I have my Rancid years. I have my Stray Cats years. I have all of the phases and moods and moments that coincide with each album and each song and each show.
I miss the days of going to the record store and picking out the newest single. Or looking at the new release board and counting the days until a new album came out so you could pore over the music while you scrutinized every square inch of the CD insert. When you saw the rare photo of the band, it was exciting! When there was a lyrics sheet in the insert, you spent a full week memorizing every last word. This was very helpful with Rancid albums. I miss obsessing over a new album and keeping it on repeat for weeks on end.
I miss mix tapes! Or mix CD's. Or whatever. I miss the thrill of a bunch of random songs put together that weren't organized by a mysterious "shuffle" that doesn't actually shuffle all of your songs, but just picks 10-20 songs it wants to play all of the time. The feeling of getting a mix tape from someone that put thought into it was unmatchable. The excitement of making a mix tape for someone you cared about and the nervousness of handing it over and hoping they love it... There was
nothing quite like it.
I feel that music these days is so disposable. It is more about what the band looks like, who they are dating, and how many instagram followers they have than about the actual music. And I feel that a lot of people are making music now more for the weird internet fame than for the love. Don't get me wrong-- the internet has allowed so much more access to music than there ever was before. But it almost makes it TOO easy. Kids don't care about it like we used to. We used to spend hours in our record stores digging through albums and discovering new and exciting things. We relied on compilation CD's to show us the path to new music. It was obscure and it was exciting. But now the internet tells you what is cool in every direction you look. The rawness of discovering new music is gone.
I guess there isn't really a point to my blog today. I just really, really like music. And I miss the old days.

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Day 46- Oh Valentine's Day

Sorry for the weekend hiatus. I needed some me time.
Yes, yesterday was Valentine's Day. And as much as I WANT to love it, I just don't. I just can't.
Growing up, I loved VD (sorry-- I am too lazy to keep typing it and the acronym makes me giggle). I loved crafting Valentines and picking the right candies for the right people. I loved opening my little Valentines box and dissecting every last one. I loved coming home and seeing the little display my mom had set up for me and my brother with balloons and candy. I loved the aesthetic. Hearts and teddy bears and pink and red. I loved it all.
As I got older, I realized that VD for adults is much different. It becomes stressful and anxiety causing. If you are in a new relationship, you agonize over what to get the other person that will be sweet, but not too over the top. And then you hope that they didn't get you something super extravagant that makes you look like an asshole. If you are in a long term relationship, you feel like each year you have to prove yourself more. And people start expecting rings. There are also those broads that measure their mans love by the gifts she gets for VD. Men everywhere are sweating bullets trying to prepare a night that is supposed to express their feelings through chocolates and dinner and giant stuffed things.
I know that VD is still special for a lot of people-- mostly females. I honestly don't know a man alive that gives a crap about VD. And even if he cares to make it special for his lady-- he still could live without it. But I get it... Something about this day makes people feel all schmoopy.
I honestly feel like it is a forced holiday. When I feel like showing my husband that I care, I show him. And he does the same. He brings me flowers when I am sad, or when the weather changes. He leaves me little love notes when he leaves for tour or when I get home. He gives me kisses and sweet words every day just because. And those little things mean to much more to me than a bunch of crap bought at the supermarket on a day that the world tells you to prove your love.
Maybe I am just a cynical jerk face. Those of you that cherish it can keep it. But the last 7 years I have been VD free and I am loving it.

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Day 41- Being The Child of a Teen Mom

If I had a child when my mom had me, I would have a 16 year old right now. Whoa. Let's pump the brakes here.
My mom got pregnant with me when she was 16. I was the kid in Junior High with the mom in her 20s.
I can't say that having a young mom made my life hard, or bad, or damaged me in any irreparable way. Having a young mom was actually pretty awesome. I was given a lot of freedom and a lot of autonomy. I was taught to be a good human and make good choices and then I was allowed to make my own choices without a lot of restriction. Because of this, I think I learned a lot of responsibility and maturity at a young age. Most of my friends weren't allowed to watch PG-13 movies or listen to uncensored music. Those friends were the ones that would come to my house to do all of the bad things they weren't allowed to do at home. Honestly, I think that a lot of my friends were sheltered because they had parents of an age that understood how scary the world was. My mom was too young to have old parent fear!
Mom and dad never hid or measured the alcohol in the house. And I never really cared to steal it. I didn't have much of a curfew, but I didn't want to stay out late and make them worry. I never had to hide if I was going to a party or hanging out with a boy. They trusted me because they raised me right. And knowing what my mom went through having me young, I was damn sure I was never going to be a teen mom. And I wasn't. Hell, I am not even an adult mom yet!
One thing I can say for you young readers... is to think really hard before you put yourself in a situation to have a baby young. You hear all of the obvious things-- they are expensive, they take a lot of sacrifice, they will "ruin" your body, they will take your youth away... And yes, I do believe that these things are mostly true. But one thing you don't hear a lot is what it is like to be the child of a teen parent. And even though I love me, and love the person I am because of the mom I have... I can tell you that the guilt of being a child of a teen parent is not something you want to bestow upon your children. Let me first be clear that my mom would NEVER ever intentionally make me feel guilty. She always tells me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and I saved her life from going down a dark road. But I also know that my mom would have had all of the potential in the world to do so much more than just be a mom. She is smart, she is funny, she is beautiful. She is a giant pain in the ass-- but mostly just because she is driven and passionate. I think that if she hadn't of had me, she could have had a much different (and maybe better) life. She could have gone to college. She could have been the CEO of Apple. She could have seen the world. She could have had dozens of torrid affairs with mysterious men. She could have done so many things... and I know she would have been great at all of them (especially the torrid affairs). But she will never know who or what she could have been because she chose me instead.
I am not telling you all this to feel sorry for me, or
to defend my moms choices. The way our lives are written are written for a purpose. All I can say is that knowing that my mom chose me over a million other options sometimes bums me out. But honestly... I am pretty fucking awesome. So I still think she chose right.

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Day 40- Under A Mountain of Work

This is my face today. I have about 8 million things to measure, describe, inspect, photograph and list for ebay and etsy before I leave for my spring tour in 38 days. I am so tired and sitting on my couch typing this is tempting me to just slump to the right and take a nap. Just to rest my eyes for a minute. But no, I have to work today. So today my blog is not introspective, or sentimental, or even funny really. It just is.
But at least it is 80 degrees and smells like summer. Carry on.

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Day 38- Post Class Exhaustion

Today I taught my pinup hair and makeup class at a friends salon in Orange County. It was my first class since my last tour in October and it was really nice to knock the dust off. But dang! I forgot how exhausting classes are!
It is interesting how different classes in different cities
have such different dynamics. Some classes are only 5 people and all we do is chat and laugh the whole time. Some classes are 40 people and everyone is as quiet as a church mouse. And sometimes they are completely flip flopped! I definitely notice that the quieter classes take more out of me because I feel like I work harder to keep the energy up. Today was a little bit like that. I also forget how much my legs and back hurt when I stand on concrete for 5 hours straight. Who would have thought that teaching hair and makeup would be so taxing! Haha. Or maybe I am just a cranky old biddy.
I can't complain though. I got to hang out with and hug a group of awesome broads, I got some chocolate malt balls, I also got a cute new skirt, and my husband surprised me by showing up and taking me to lunch. All in all, it was a good day.
And now I am off to meet my gal pal for some wine and some food. Happy Sunday ya'll.

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Day 36- I Dream of Real Housewives

You guys. I have an addiction. It is a sickness, really. I have watched every last episode of every season of the Real Housewives franchise in existence. I have even watched Australia. I am just finishing up Atlanta right now... and I feel that once this show is done, my life will be empty. Or maybe I will just have a lot more time to watch more intellectual programming or read books. But I really just put it one while I am working from home! I swear! Don't judge me!
I don't know what it is about trashy reality TV that calls to me. Am I envious of their money and giant houses? Maybe. Do I love when they scream at each other? Actually, no...It's annoying. Does watching them make me feel a little better about what I have going on? Yeah, sometimes. I can't pinpoint what it is that makes me keep watching, but I just can't stop. Maybe it is like a crackhead that knows that crack is whack, but keeps hitting the pipe for one last high.
The good news is that there are always new seasons springing up. So even when I finish Atlanta... I just have to hold out until the next horrible season is unleashed on me.
In other news... Even I won't stoop to Kardashian level. So I guess there is still hope for me.

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Day 34- Wasting my Life on my Phone

You ever have those days where you feel like your phone is a complete and utter time suck? Today is one of those days for me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the internet-- and my phone. For obvious reasons. But there are so many times in my day when I find myself just needlessly scrolling through crap. Just crap. Memes and cat videos and political propaganda and unresearched "facts."

I do it at any moment when my brain isn't being occupied with thought or a task. In line at the post office, waiting at the doctor, at really long stop lights. My first instinct is always to grab my phone. You ever leave your phone at home? Yeah... how was that? Did you panic? I know I do. Even if I don't need my phone for anything specific, the thought of being without it is horrifying. This was never more evident than my first trip overseas. When you don't have wifi in a foreign country, your phone is basically a camera. And still, my first instinct was always to pull out my phone to check... Well, nothing really. I have actually read that the new generations tolerance for boredom is about zero because of electronics and social media. And you know the benefit of boredom? Creativity! When your brain has nothing to do, it dreams and creates and works. With all of those spaces filled in by constant stimulation, the brain never really has time to develop imagination and creativity. Would there have been a Beethoven if he had an iPhone 6?

I try to make it a point when I am with friends or having alone time with my husband to put my phone away. It is really hard because my job is basically being on my phone. But I have to remind myself that whatever comment or email or message that pops up will be there in an hour. Or two. Or tomorrow. I don't HAVE to reply to people right away. No one owns my time but me. It is important to me to have real human interaction. As much as I love you guys, you aren't real. I can't see you and touch you and smell you (which in some cases is for the best). We as humans need other humans. We need to be around other humans to learn empathy and real love and to understand the idiosyncrasies that make us... well... human. Sarcasm. Frustration. Hurt. Tenderness. These are the things that living online take away from us.

Before bed, I have started to limit my phone time. I give myself a few last minutes when I get in bed to make sure I have taken care of my tasks for the day, and then the phone goes on silent and the book comes out. Sometimes I think we forget to unplug from the backlit world. I sleep like a baby when I give my brain an hour or so to unwind and shut off. 

So here is my challenge to you dedicated readers. Cut your phone time in half this week. Read a book. Go for a walk. Eat a meal alone. Talk to a friend. Snuggle your loved one. Whatever you do... do it without a device in your hand or on your person. Ignore your phone when it buzzes or rings. Whoever is on the other end can wait.

Remember what it is like to be human.

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Day 33- Being a Difficult Friend

I know I am not an easy person to be friends with. My schedule is crazy hectic. I work for myself, so when things come up, I have to move plans around to accommodate work. I tour a big chunk out of the year too, so I am gone a lot and not an "around everyday" kind of friend.
Mostly though, I sometimes think I am just a difficult human to be friends with. I am not a touchy feely type of girl. By that, I mean, I am not the kind of girl that spills my guts out all of the time and I am not super sensitive to other girls. Sometimes I have to remind myself that a lot of girls are sensitive and need to be handled more softly. I am very type A. I speak my mind. I don't play games. I don't DO passive aggressive. If I am upset, I tell you. And I also don't deal with friend drama well. As I have talked about in previous blogs-- I am not afraid to break up with friends that are too much. I try to be forgiving, but I would rather just cut ties than be stressed out and emotionally drained.
I am also kind of aggressive. When a friend is doing something that seems harmful or bad-- I speak up. And I feel like sometimes this is to my detriment. It is a judgment call. And sometimes I speak before I really think about what I am putting out there. I never mean to offend my friends. And I never want my friends to think I am being bossy or meddling. But sometimes I am-- and I try not to, but I can't help it. I had a friend once that was in a terrible relationship. He would do terrible things, she would come to me crying and telling me it was over, and then a few weeks later, they would be back together. I was always compassionate and there to lean on-- I never judged or told her what to do... but at a certain point I had to tell her to either leave or stop coming to me. I can't watch my friends abuse themselves knowingly.
Sometimes I am a know-it-all. I am really bad at biting my tongue when I know someone is wrong even if it is something small that doesn't matter. I consider myself an intellectual and my brain is ALWAYS working. In a lot of these cases my intellectual brain speaks up before my logical brain can tell me to shut up and let it go. I never back down from an argument or a debate. My mom has called me the Debate Queen since I was little. She laughs when my relatives try to argue with me over dumb things on Facebook because she knows I won't stop until I win. And I won't. I can't. It's an illness.
I am not good with daily friend communication. Working for myself makes me live in a bubble of constant stress and high speed movement. I am always doing 5 or 6 things at once, and sometimes friends just don't fit into my day. That isn't saying that if a friend really needs me, I won't be there. I will. Always. But I don't think to check in with friends on a daily basis. I don't have time for it! I don't always even have time for my husband daily-- although that is easier since he lives with me and can sneak in kisses. I also don't make a habit of kissing my friends. I am not the type of friend that will sit and email you all day about my daily happenings. I don't care about what any of my friends had for breakfast. I really don't.
My best friend and I have talked on the phone maybe twice in the 15 years we have been friends. I am not a phone talker. Her and I can go weeks without texting and months without seeing each other and when we do, it is like no time has passed. I don't know what she is doing day to day. But I do know the big stuff. And I know that if I need her, she is there. And vice versa.
I am appreciative to my friends that have stuck around for so many years
. I don't take them for granted for a second. I know I am sometimes hard to be friends with. But I also know that I am loyal and honest and about as true blue as friends come. I hope that means something to my friends. To those of you reading this that ARE my friends... I love you guys. I know I don't always show it and I am not all mushy gushy... but you guys seriously save my life.
Sorry I missed a few days of blogging. I was up in Big Bear with my best friends for the weekend and I just didn't feel like taking a break from my real life to blog. But I love you internet friends too.
XOXO

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Day 26- Aging Gracefully

So today I had a facial laser treatment done called Clear+Brilliant. This is my second treatment and I am pretty stoked. Basically it helps with fine lines, wrinkles, dark spots, acne scars... and it just generally brightens up your complexion. My favorite thing it has done so far is lighten my freckles!! Yes!
I was offered these treatments by a company in exchange for YouTube videos as a trade. They are expensive and a little painful and I am not sure I would have taken the leap into the world of medical treatments had it not have been for the opportunity sort of landing in my lap. This office also does a bevy of other treatments-- Juvederm, Botox, Velashape... you name it, they have it. And I do definitely feel that once you start getting treatments that make you feel good, you start thinking about other treatments that might make you feel even better!
So where is the line?
Honestly, I don't judge anyone that does anything to themselves. Fillers, tattoos, implants, plastic surgery. Whatever. It's your body honey! Who am I to judge?? I do also believe that some people do these things for the right reasons and some people do these things because of societal pressures and mental disorders. But again... I haven't walked a mile in your shoes.
I myself feel that there is a fine line between light upkeep and going overboard. This is totally a personal feeling about what is right for me. I know I won't ever get plastic surgery. Having heart surgery twice in my early 20's scared me enough and I don't think I could ever do that electively. Fillers and injectables and laser treatments (oh my!) are another world. Obviously I am not against laser treatments. But even those aren't invasive. At most it feels like a sunburn for a day and then you are back to normal. And it doesn't change the shape of your face. It just brightens your skin a little. Fillers and injectables scare me. I see SO many young girls getting lip fillers and botox when they don't need it and honestly I just think it looks kind of weird. The nurse at my office told me she has 16 year old girls going in there for preventive Botox and lip fillers and they jones like addicts when they haven't been in a while. She said one girl was like "I need my syringe!" And once you pass a point, everyone kind of starts to look the same. You see it a lot in LA. All of these mid 40's women that look like the exact same person. My gym is crawling with them.
Are there things I don't like about my face? Of course! Do I wish my lips were fuller? Oh my god yes! But I really love that my face is my own unique face. And I would be horrified if I impaired my face and it turned out badly when I have a perfectly fine face to start with. I do like to use makeup and clothing and accessories to jazz myself up. I like to be able to be a chameleon and change how I look. But I also like to wash it off at the end of the day, look in the mirror, and see me. The same face I have looked at for the last 33 years. If I can stave off some wrinkles with a little face cream or a laser treatment or two, fine. And who knows... maybe in another 10 years I will be a Botox fanatic. But for right now, I will embrace the way I am aging.
And that one little smile line on the left side of my mouth is staying no matter what. I earned that sucker.

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Day 23- Girls Night

So I spent all day doing hair for pinup photoshoots and in about an hour all of my girls will be here for drag movie night (watching Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and Too Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar)
. So no long philosophical blogs today. Sometimes it is more important to live life than to talk about it. But I made a promise to myself that I would blog every day. Sooo...

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Day 22- Ode To My Bed

I love my bed. It isn't the fanciest. Or the most ergonomic. Or the latest model. But it is my safe haven and I love it. I have extra soft sheets. And an extra fluffy down comforter. I also have two perfectly firm pillows with head dents in just the right places
.
Because of all of this, getting out of bed is SO hard. Working for yourself means you need an extra dose of self discipline and motivation. I set my alarm for 7:30am every single day. And it is rare that I am out of bed before 9. I just can't leave the warm embrace of my loving bed! If Trevor is also in the bed? FORGET ABOUT IT.
That's not to say that I am wasting my time in the morning. I usually just lay there and answer my emails and check my various media. But still. I feel like a hobo.
Yesterday I didn't leave the confines of my room until 11am. 11AM!! I know. Don't judge. Please. If you knew my struggle, you would understand. If you slept a mile in my bed, it would all make sense. Speaking of which... I think it's time for a nap...

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Day 21- Being Heavily Tattooed

If you guys follow me on my various social networks, you probably saw today that I posted a comment left by someone on my video about how my tattoos actually grossed her out. I really thought this comment was funny and kind of dumb and I laughed it off and posted it as a joke.
But it got me thinking about being a heavily tattooed woman in 2016.
I started getting tattooed 15 years ago. The world was a different place then. You just really didn't see that many heavily tattooed people-- least of all women. I have always been a punk at heart and I have always wanted to sort of live on the outskirts of the norm. When I started getting tattooed... I did it to be different. To be unique. To stand out. And boy did I!
What I didn't realize was the lifelong dedication visible tattoos are.
I get emails all of the time from people asking advice for first time tattoos or from people wanting to get hands/necks/faces. Let me first say that I am just one person who has lived with being heavily tattooed for many years, and these are my experiences and opinions. But I know that a lot of my equally (and more heavily) tattooed friends tend to agree.
Before you get heavily tattooed, you HAVE to think about it. Tattoos are not something that should be done on a whim. Especially big pieces, or very visible pieces. If you are going to a tattooer with any sense of ethics... they will also tell you these things. Most reputable tattooers won't tattoo hands, necks, or faces unless the person is already heavily tattooed and already spent some time living in that body. This is for a reason! They aren't just trying to be dicks, I promise.
One of the major things you have to get used to is the attention. And a lot of people get tattoos in the first place for attention... but oftentimes don't realize what they are getting into. Get ready for daily stares. Daily questions. Daily touching. Get ready for people to want to talk about tattoos in the most inappropriate places. There is nothing more awkward than your gyno inserting a speculum while she asks you which tattoo hurt the most. Get ready to be judged when you are trying to appear professional. Once you get tattooed, your personal bubble no longer exists. I have been touched, grabbed, and fondled by men and women equally with no permission asked or remorse given for not asking. I was once standing in line at the grocery store, having just finished a heavy workout at the gym. I was wearing a sports bra and a tank top, and the woman behind me ran her hand down my disgustingly sweaty back and said "Wow! Your back piece is beautiful!" Dude. Just no.
I can say that the world has changed a lot in 15 years. I don't get nearly as many dirty looks as I used to. Now that tattoo shows are the norm, people don't judge as harshly. Preppy girls now have neck tattoos. It is a different world. In general. You will still get haters, I promise.
And even though society has shifted a little... corporate America hasn't. Getting a job with visible tattoos is still just about as hard as it used to be. If you don't have a set career, please dear God do not get your face tattooed. Nothing bums me out more than seeing 19 year old kids with no future plans that are fully blasted. I got lucky to have the job that I do... but I still don't have my hands, neck or face slathered in tattoos so that if, God forbid, I ever need to get a "real" job, I can cover everything up.
At the end of the day... tattoos are a personal choice. No one can make that choice for you. But think long and hard before you make the commitment to be a "tattooed" person. Honestly... I got them in the first place to be different. And now I kind of just feel like another one of the flock.

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Day 19- I Don't Have to Love What You Love

Today I posted a video on youtube titled "Caveman Contouring." In the video, I tell my viewers that I am going wayyyy back and getting real vintage to show everyone how they contoured in the caveman days. I then proceed to cover my face in mud from my front yard using leaves, with a voiceover of me grunting and subtitles that explain what I am doing in a humorous way.
Most of the comments express the hilarity I was aiming for. But I got one comment from a gal that said she was disappointed because she felt I was poking fun at girls that use contouring to feel better about themselves. At first it made me feel really bad. And then it made me think...
1) I am 100% all about girls doing whatever it takes to feel happy and right in their own skin. I don't ever judge what someone else does. I definitely think that there are different strokes for different folks and respect all choices. 2) I also feel that humans have a right to be silly and poke fun at things that they think are too serious or in some way funny. Makeup gurus take themselves SOOOO seriously! I just thought that making a video that was absolutely ridiculous would sort of lighten the mood a little. I wasn't attacking. I wasn't saying mean or hateful things. I wasn't calling anyone out or saying what they do is wrong. 3) If someone made a parody video about vintage hair or makeup styles-- I would absolutely love it.
Want my honest opinion? I HATE contouring. I think it makes young pretty girls look insane and overdone and old. I think it is too much product. I think it is bad for your skin. I think it makes everyone that does it look like the exact same person. I think it is a waste of time because girls are just as beautiful without it. Do I think this will be one of those trends like frosty pink lipstick that we will all look back on in 20 years and laugh? Yeah, probably. Do I judge girls that love contouring? Nope. I also hate crocs, harem pants, and Taylor Swifts music. And I have the right to express these views. Do I think everyone that loves those thing is horrible? Nope. We just have different tastes. And that is great! That makes the world unique and interesting and challenging!
The day I say "I hate you for wearing mom jeans! I want you to die because they make your butt look weird and flat!" is the day that I am being mean and bagging on girls for trying to feel good about themselves. But until that day, I will be weird and silly and try to make you all laugh WITHOUT being an asshole. I hope I am succeeding.
(p.s. that mud smelled really bad. You're welcome)

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